Friday, May 17, 2013

Good or Bad?

Tuesday, August 21, 2010

It's funny to me that the people that are "officially" there to help me are the ones that make me realize how bad we have it.  For the most part, I am used to what I deal with on a daily basis with Eliah. I don't think twice about it.  I focus on what he can do.  I try my best to be a good mother and keep him happy.  And I "go" until he sleeps.  

The past couple weeks have been kind of eye opening for me.  First, the school screening Eliah "participated" in, was concluded with a piece of paper that said Eliah is delayed in all ways.  No kidding, I knew that.  Then I got an evaluation on Eliah that determines his age in months, based on what he can do.  It's broken down into several categories, such as, Fine Motor Skills, Communication, and Self Help.  I knew he was delayed, and I knew he was far behind, but I guess I never really knew HOW far behind.  In some categories he scored at a five month old level, and some he scored slightly higher.  His receptive communication was the highest I believe, at a 21 month old level.  It's very defeating to see it in black and white.  And I didn't expect that feeling, because I already knew he was delayed.  It's not like I'm living in denial.

Then, over the course of last evening, my friend told me that I have the patience of a saint, and my new aide commented, "How did you do everything before an aide?" and "Wow, he is a full time job".  And I look around and think "This is a normal day".  I don't know what everyone is talking about.   This is what life is like.  I must have been removed for so long that I have no idea what it IS like to be normal.  Do I even want to know what I'm missing?  

I take each day as it comes, loving my children and teaching them how to be happy.  Everything I do (for them and myself) is based on a great deal of thought.  Life has always been full of challenges for me.  Each trial giving me strength, experience, and an understanding that things do not always work out the way we plan.

Eliah was given to me because God knows that I will love him like nobody else can, because I value his precious life.  I know what it's like to lose a child and a mother, and the hole it leaves in my heart as the anniversaries of their loss approach.

God knows that I will always love Eliah.  God knows that I will always want him.  That I will always be proud of him.  That I will never fail him as long as I am alive.  And that no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much he challenges me, I will never regret him.  

The thing I realize most is, life is short.  I don't want to look back on my life and regret not having the courage to stand up for myself or my children.  Things will always happen beyond my control, but it's my choice in how I deal with it.  It's not okay to just get through life, it's got to be great.  I have to MAKE it great.  I don't take a minute for granted, and I look to the future with hope.

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