Friday, May 17, 2013

Where's a Psychic When You Need One?

Monday, November 21, 2011

Sometimes I wonder if the troubles with Eliah were caused by Karma.  Maybe I did something in a past life that made things more difficult for me in this life.  Then I stop and think about what just went though my head.  I REALLY think about it.  And when I get down to the core of it, I see that this life, these trials and troubles, and my sweet Eliah are all blessings and gifts.  I was given a very important job. I was given something that not just anybody can do. Well, sometimes I can't even do this job, but I do try my best.

Sometimes it's hard to see that through the stress.  I have had a tension headache for about a week now.  It makes me nauseous and dizzy.  I know I'm stressing over lots of things, like money, Christmas, school for Natalie, and a million other things.  Most importantly, I am completely distraught over Eliah and his current health issues.  Since his episode a couple weeks ago, it feels as if his health is spiraling out of control. Maybe it's just the overprotective mother coming out in me, but I have had a bad feeling that I cannot shake. 

When Eliah had his major seizure, I took his blood pressure as he slept afterward.  He had high blood pressure when he was a baby, but we've kept it under control for a long time.  However, something just told me to check it that night.  It was very high at 149/69.  For a child his age, it should be under 114/70.  But the fact that it was high was not the most disturbing part; it was that the top number (systolic) was disproportionately higher than the low number (diastolic).

So, I began taking his blood pressure a couple times a day for the past couple weeks, and I called the Nephrologist to schedule an appointment.  The doctor was on vacation until this week, but was able to increase Eliah's medication by phone.  (We will be going in today to see him.)

But coming back to the point, Eliah's blood pressure has been quite alarming to me because of the high systolic/low diastolic combination.  I read an article that was just published in October showing the increased risk for heart failure for those that have that disproportionate blood pressure.  And as I read on, it noted the symptoms of heart failure (heart attack)....chest pain, nausea, indigestion, arm pain, headache, etc.  All of which I would be completely unaware how to recognize in a child that cannot tell me what hurts.  

 That, in itself, is so very much stress to think that at any moment his heart could fail and I wouldn't know.  But on top of that, Eliah has begun to have more seizures, despite a large increase in his seizure medication.  (side note: The docs are increasing different meds at the same time and not talking to one another, which now puts the burden on me to relay that information between them)

Kelley said that this past weekend Eliah had 5 seizures, and that most were unusual for him.  When I picked him up this morning, he didn't seem to be "all there", and still isn't himself yet today.  He is awake, but not really coherent.   It almost looks as if he is listening to something inside his head.  Weird.  We are scheduled for an EEG next week to see if the Neurologist will be able to tell anything.

The hardest part for me is the unpredictability of each day.  I see Eliah growing and learning.  He even took five steps in a walker at therapy last week.  He's comprehending so much.  He's happy.  But I feel overwhelmed at the thought of setting him up for school, and testing, and evaluations, when at the same time, I feel like I am just trying to keep him alive.  I don't know how to balance that.  I don't know how to move big steps forward when we are just trying to stay afloat. Will all of that push him too far?  Every day I am thinking, Is this the day he's going to leave me?

I really don't know what the future is going to hold.  And a lot of times I feel like it's too much for me to handle at one time. It doesn't help that I have a bad feeling lingering in my head.  But we are taking things one little step at a time.

Where's the freaking aspirin? 

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