Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Post from my personal blog

http://anncredible.blogspot.com/2013/09/tidal-wave.html

September 16, 2013
Tidal Wave

For the past couple years, I have been travelling in the barrel of a giant wave, trying to keep my balance and sanity.  I've been teetering back and forth, caring for the kids, struggling with my ex, and trying to maintain a personal life of my own.  It hasn't been easy, but I have been patient, and kept my head up, looking for wonderful things towards the horizon.

Today, this emornmous wave has crashed down upon me.  I have just been diagnosed with an agressive form of breast cancer.  It has already spread, and I am still awaiting more testing to determine the extent.  The bottom line is, it was not caught early.  It's an awful feeling to know that something so destructive has been growing inside my body.

I am tumbling, gasping for air, and feel the full force of the shock.  A million questions race through my mind.  Could it have been diagnosed sooner?  How long will I live?  Will the children understand?  How will I have enough energy to fight this when I barely make it through a day as it is?  Am I strong enough?  If I'm not strong enough, will I feel like I've failed my family?

I'm not sad.  I trust that God has a plan.  The only fear I have is of the things I do not know yet.  But I know the answers will come in time.

As my friends, if you don't know what to do or say, maybe I can provide some insight.  It's wonderful to hear that you're there to help.  That's all I want or need.  I don't know the answers to a lot of questions being asked right now.  And I feel like I'm doing a lot of stuff to make other people feel okay about my cancer. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."  Honestly, I really don't know how it's going to turn out.

I don't have energy to talk to the many survivors that people are offering.  It's kind and generous to offer, but it's so stressful to me to try and make time for more people.  I can barely keep up.  I need time to process what is going on.  I need time to wallow, for at least a moment, in what is taking over my body.  I need time to figure out what my plans are, the what ifs, the challenges.  I just need time and support.

If you are going to pray, pray for one thing only, strength.  I do not question God's plan or ask him to change the course of my life.  I trust that he knows what he's doing.  I just ask that I am strong enough to handle what he gives.

This has been a relentless storm.  I have taken a beating over and over, and I wasn't even standing upright yet when I was hit again.   But I will fight as hard as I have to, for as long as I can.  After all, I did say I was Anncredible.



3 comments:

  1. I shall pray for you to find the strength you need for today, tomorrow and each day after that. Wallow, be angry, be sad, feel whatever you need to feel. I often hear "stay positive" and "keep fighting" and many times I think "Today I am not feeling like fighting or being positive. I simply want to be.... (angry, sad, frustrated....)" One day at a time, maybe an hour or a minute at a time. God bless all of you.
    I live nowhere near you so offering my "help" in the way of rides, meals, kid care, is out of the question. However I can continue to send prayers of strength and love, I can read emails of anger, sadness, frustration in a non-judgmental no questions asked manner. In anyway I could help I will.
    My name is Kriss by the way and have been a follower and supporter of you since the beginning, back when your Eman was a baby. Take care of yourself in the best way you can, even if it means being in a not great place. It is ok.
    Kriss
    lovelifepeace67@gmail.com is my email. I have no idea how to post comments under any of the other listings aside from anonymous. Not quite that computer savvy.

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  2. I, too, am no where near you anymore. I, too, shall pray for strength for you and your family. You are ANNCREDIBLE and will make the most of this new situation God has put in front of you. You are a wonderful role model for other women.
    Stacy D.

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  3. As I have said to you before, you have given me strength in times that I didn't think I was going to make it. I am sending you all of the strength and good energy that I have inside me. I have followed you for 4 years now and feel as if I know you. Bless you ANNCREDIBLE!

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