Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Absence Just Makes Things Difficult

I realize that I have not written on Eliah's blog in almost a year.  And the reasons for such are varied.  Part of my lack of writing is the fact that there is an ongoing custody battle, and anything I write about my children could be seen in a negative light.  I can't complain about the situation or say what's been happening, because that could be construed as libelous, no matter how true I know the facts to be.

The other big part of why I have not written is that it hurts to be away from my children.  It continues to hurt to think about them all the time and not have opportunity to be with them as much as I want.  I feel like I am missing their childhoods, and they are growing without me or my influence.  I am missing the "firsts" in their life,  their birthday parties, their field trips, their first time at Disney, and even the mundane things like homework.  Unfortunately, I don't even see those photos and it kills me.

My heart is torn that I only get a handful of hours a week with them.  It's NEVER enough.  I am constantly thinking about what I'm missing, and my heart aches.  I visit their schools to see them every week.  I email Natalie.  I beg for more time, because they need me as much as I need them.

For the past year and a half, I feel like I've been treated like a criminal for having cancer.  But even when I was close to death, I've never stopped loving or wanting to be with my children.  And I will never stop trying to get them home.  Some have even called me "relentless".  Damn straight I am.  Why wouldn't I be for my own children?

The good part is, I'm healthy, cancer is gone, and I know this storm will also pass.  One day, I will once again be reunited with Natalie and Eliah.  And that gives me great hope and meaning to continue.  But I will always mourn this time that I am missing.  I deserve to watch them grow and have an influence in the people they become.  And they deserve to have their mother's love and guidance every day.

So, although I have not written here in almost a year, it is not the end.  I believe, in time, good things will happen.